i feel like im losing my mind

im frightened that i might not finish studying until the board exams

im scared of failing

i have been scared of failing exams ever since i was young - ever since my parents would reprimand me when i get low grades. they dont do that anymore since i reached high school, but the memories of when i was still small still haunt me. i would sometimes have nightmares of failing quizzes up until i graduated college. thank god i havent dreamt of failing the boards - that would be the ultimate nightmare.

i remembered crying while watching my fave chinese movie on star mandarin after the qualifying exam when i was a freshman. i was watching alone and i didnt realize that tears were already streaming down my face until i touched my wet cheeks. i was so afraid that i did horrible. i thought nobody knew, but my mom does.she always know when something is wrong with me. she just told me about it the next day. "iyak-iyak ka pa, papasa ka naman pala!" i just grinned at her sheepishly. i found out from one of my professors just last december that i placed number one in the qualifying exam. all that crying for nothing, eh?

it's about time i get really serious and start studying like there is no tomorrow. that number one in the qualifying exam is a sign that i could achieve my dreams. there should be no stopping me.

except the fear

and the pressure

i know that my parents would just want me to do my best. i guess if they havent been tough on my sister and i when we were younger, i would not have been an honor student all my life. i only feel the pressure now that i was about to take the biggest exam im about to take in my whole life - the CPA board exams.
my family, my friends are always there to support me, but they could not share how i feel. i feel really stupid - tears are running down my face while i write this entry. and im in a computer shop! utang na loob marian! get a grip!

but let me tell you this:

i have never felt this scared in my whole life