suicidal? i hope not
10:03 PM
I have been depressed on and off for the past two years.
Two years ago I got into the worst relationship of my life. Of course, I’ve had my puppy love, suitors, but the first real relationship I had was something I regretted having. I didn’t get anything out of that. I just lost a lot.
I lost my self-respect. I lost my family’s confidence in me. I also lost my sister’s respect. We might be acting as if nothing has happened but I know, that something was missing, I just can’t put my finger on it.
Then I got sent off on an assignment abroad. I started anew. I made lots of friends, went out a lot, played around once – I have been thinking that no guy will enter into a serious relationship with me once they knew of my past. I have been happy getting away from my family for a while. Nothing beats being with the family, but I got a taste of independence while abroad.
Living alone abroad was something I really enjoyed. I got away from the annoying stares and questions of the people who knew of what I’ve been through and what I’ve done to my family. I got away from that gold-digger of a guy who just made me happy the first few months, then made me live through hell once he started getting what he wants – money and sex.
For nine months, I also enjoyed what I’m doing. I practically enjoyed the late nights, the persistent calls, and those snotty colleagues – all because I like what I do. It’s nice to be doing something important, and people treating me like I’m really worth something. My boss even offered me a job.
Then I met my guy. He made my nights alone abroad really bearable. We would talk until the wee hours in the morning, he would call and text even long distance. It’s the first time I’m really happy with a guy.
I knew good things won’t last. I should have known I would hit the dust again sometime.
I didn’t get the job abroad because the bosses locally are against it. I mean, really, it would defeat the purpose of the company, which is to save costs so we’ll do the jobs here instead of abroad. I got really depressed because of that. I really wanted that job abroad. I wouldn’t get an offer if my foreign bosses don’t believe in what I can do. I knew I can do a lot more, but I guess I wasn’t really meant to.
I wasn’t meant to stay abroad because I was meant to get pregnant. Yes, Marian, the perfectionist, nerd extraordinaire, school-home girl, the overweight girl with thick glasses overly serious about studying that she didn’t get a boyfriend in college, was now pregnant. Everyone was surprised I ran off with the good-for-nothing bastard after college, but now they are even more surprised that I got myself pregnant, knowing that there is no turning back from this moment on.
I chose to be pregnant. I loved my guy more than anyone else in the world. As I have said, the two months I spent with him are the best two months of my life – ever! So why on earth am I feeling depressed now?
It must be the pre-natal depression. If there’s post partum depression, there should be pre-natal depression. Or maybe what I’m having is just normal maternity blues, or “paglilihi”. Whatever it is, I’m depressed again.
My guy left me to work abroad. Two weeks after, we found out I’m pregnant. I should have been ecstatic. Well, I’m happy, but not quite.
Two weeks after finding out I’m pregnant, I found those disturbing emails he sent to his former lover. The girl he just can’t forget. The girl he wanted to date even while he’s dating me AND trying to get me pregnant.
Then last week I tried asking him about his ex. He spoke about her as if he was still really fond of her – he couldn’t help but chuckle while talking about how she was taller than him, how they were having sex in the girl’s boarding house, yeah I think his ex was a really good catch. Then I tried to see his past emails, and found emails dating 2006 to his friend calling her “asawa” and telling her he loves her. Something he also he didn’t tell me. That was in the past, so it’s ok.
I can’t help but think that somehow he might still be thinking about his ex, because of all the memories he had with her. They were together for maybe two or three years (he told me he lost his innocence at 18) and they broke up when he was in Saudi. Hey, he told me they were only together for a year and a half. That guy never really gets his stories straight.
Now I’m pregnant, with no guy taking care of me. I get really depressed when I show up at the doctor’s office alone, without a guy with me, when all the other pregnant ladies have their husbands with them. I just call my guy to tell him that I’m at the doctor just so I won’t feel sorry for myself.
Whenever I need something now, my mom was the one who buys them for me. Sometimes my friends would get me the food that I’m craving.
I keep on thinking of my guy looking for someone else. I still don’t understand why he has to tell those things to his former lover when he kept on assuring me he don’t mean them. I just won’t buy that excuse.
My guy could be doing something, or not, but I still don’t trust him completely. Not after those emails. Not after he got pregnant and he won’t go home, and I still can’t have him back.
My life is spiraling downward. I can’t resign from work and look for new pastures. I can’t do what I want. I can’t go back to school and study again. Not in the near future. Not with the way things are going right now. I don’t know what I wanted to do now. What does my future hold for me now? I’m lost.
This evening I snapped. I yelled at my sister, then when she told me off for getting angry I swore at her – something I have always avoided to do. My sister stopped respecting me, calling me “ate” in such a sarcastic way, ever since I ran off with that guy, and now I’m pregnant.
I’m sorry, but there are times when I actually regretted being pregnant. I don’t want to marry my guy yet, so I don’t know how I can raise my kid myself, when I trapped.
I’m such a spiteful individual. Galit ako sa mundo. There, I’ve said it. I might be depressed, I might be bringing this on to myself, I might be thinking too much. But I’m praying that these thoughts of mine, wouldn’t lead me to take my own life.
Suicidal.
i'm getting married! .... not
8:54 PM
hell no
i ain't gettin married
not yet anyway
yesterday my future in laws came to our house to meet my parents. they were suggesting that we get married even though we're miles away from each other!!!
no no no no no no!
i'm too polite to say that i don't like the idea. but i really don't. even though i do love biboy, i don't want to get married just for the sake of the baby, the benefits we're gonna get if we're married, etc. to people who don't know the kind of relationship biboy and i have, they would think that this is another classic case of "pikot".
ever since i was a little girl, i have been dreaming about my future wedding. i remember watching movies and tv specials of weddings and thinking about my own. of course, i would prefer a simple and intimate affair - with close family and friends, and with the man i love.
i have found the perfect man, but the question now is, do i really wanna get married?
everyone, esp his side of the family, is expecting a church wedding. his relatives are saying that even if we have a civil wedding at first, i deserve a church wedding afterwards. god knows i wanted one!
i have been thinking about this since last night. i had to admit i got excited. i was thinking that for once, i'm gonna be the star, i'm gonna be pampered. i actually missed out on a 7th bday party, a debut, but now i'm gonna get married! in church!
then i started surfing for how much a decent wedding costs. 150K is a good enough budget. well, if i'm the groom i can afford this. i can even throw in a 2nd honeymoon (well we're gonna have a baby)! my mom doesn't want the family to carry the cost of a wedding so she's not even suggesting a church wedding. it's his family who did.
now i'm torn. i know he won't be able to afford the wedding of my dreams. i'm being materialistic, but i'd rather not get married at all.
i'm sorry biboy. it would really seem like i'm asking too much. i would only get married once, so if ever i tried getting married, then i would want it to be perfect
daydream mode... my dream wedding (time to feel sorry for myself, no one reads this blog anyway haha, lucky me!)
i would like to wear a white dress, put on make up, have my hair curled or whatever, the works man. i mean, for a not-so-pretty girl like me, my wedding would be the last time i could have my hair and make up done and look beautiful. i mean, look at my prom and grad pics! simon cowell would cringe and say that i got dressed in the dark
i would like my sister as my maid of honor. oh, and my gay cousin herson could be one too! at his request
i would finally get my mom to wear a gown... something i haven't seen her do in all my 22 years on earth. the mothers of the bride and groom to be should wear matching outfits
biboy would be looking so handsome in a barong... or a tux... i'd prefer a barong. he'd look better in a barong.
my entourage could wear whatever they wanna wear. it would be less expensive for me, plus, if they buy their own outfits they can choose whatever style they want so they can wear it elsewhere. honestly now, my friends are excited to dress up for my wedding. sorry to disappoint you guys, but this church wedding would only happen in my dreams
my baby would wear a beautiful gown, or a nice barong. she could be our flower girl or he could be the ring bearer. if ever i'm getting married, i'd time it so he/she could already walk down the aisle by his/herself. at almost 2 yrs old, perhaps?
no need to hire a professional photographer now. i could ask kuya (chris, my teammate) to take our pics. he took the pics of another teammate's wedding. but i would like to have nice pre-nups done of biboy and i
the cake! haven't thought about it though. i don't like a towering cake. a simple wedding cake will do. no one likes to eat those anyway...
i know someone who can cater. my teammate's got a catering business, and so does my college classmate. maybe i can get a discount
if only jigs is in the phils, i would get him to sing at my wedding. it has been our joke during college that he would sing at my wedding. too bad he's in canada. he told us he'd be going home in 2 or 3 yrs for vacation though
wedding car... ours will do just fine
then after the wedding we'd get home with our baby. no need for a honeymoon. we're already past that phase
our wedding would be the most memorable day of my life
not gonna happen
god, why do i have to do this post just to feel sorry for myself
marian, the preggy drama queen
being pregnant with no man to take care of you could really make you think... a lot!
i love him, i miss him, but i don't think i want to be with him
4:56 PM
yup.. you're reading that right.
i love him.. .a lot
i miss him... a lot
but i don't think i want to be with him
even if we're going to have a child together
meeting my daddy biboy is the best thing that happened to me. the two months i spent with him are the best two months of my life. i felt that he feels the same way about me
but that was then
last week i saw him exchanging emails with the same girl he cheated his ex with. he told her how much he misses the girl, how he won't forget her, how much he wanted to date her had she emailed him while he was here in the phils. the emails were dated 23rd of April, 4 days after he left! so i don't think he's being homesick, no no
what hurts the most is during that time i remember him telling me how much he misses me, and he even cried once. so during that time, he was also reminiscing about the "stolen" times he spent with the girl, while he still had a girlfriend
so there were three emails. there's him asking about the girl's boyfriend, though. but at the end he asked her out, saying that should the girl have emailed him earlier, he could have dated her because of their "pinagsamahan". finish whatever they started, perhaps?
he didn't even tell the girl that he's got a girlfriend - me!
i know i shouldn't have been affected, because whatever relationship they had - which is also illicit - happened in the past, before he even met me. but i can't help it. not when i knew of all this after i found out i was pregnant. not really a good thing for a preggy girl to go through
what made it worse for me, was the girl wasn't even his ex-girlfriend! it was just someone introduced to him, they went out a few times, made out a few times as well - on his girlfriend's back! god knows, he might even have slept with her, although he won't admit it to me.
oh, and when asked, he said that his ex knew he was seeing the other girl, but forgave him. his ex didn't know he was also lip locking that other girl
i knew he had a few girlfriends - my guy was good looking. but he didn't tell me about this affair he had. all the time i've been honest to him - i've told him bout my ex, my flings, some other stuff i did - but he can't even be honest to me
of course i blew my top off when i found out. i forgave him - heck, those were just emails. he was claiming he doesn't mean what he said in those emails. he just said those... just because he wasn't thinking...
and he wants to impress her by telling her he misses her, wont forget her, and he's been looking for her everywhere
lame excuse
i still can't understand why he has to tell the girl that when he doesn't really mean it
all the time he was telling me he loves me, he was thinking of that other girl
men
my guy has been telling he loves me, and he won't hurt me again. he broke my trust. it was a small thing - just emails, throw in a few internet chats or so - but still he hurt me real bad. God knows i've been crying every night, thinking about how he can't be honest to me, when i've been nothing but honest to him
am i really a girl no guy would take seriously? after what i've been through, don't i deserve to be happy?
he has been telling me that he wants to marry me when he comes back. how could i be sure that he won't seek out that other girl and continue whatever affair they had? what if another person from his past came back to haunt him? what if he gets introduced to another girl and he falls into temptation - again?
i wish he won't do that to me
i know i might be being paranoid, but my guy has a history of cheating on a girlfriend. what's the difference between his ex and me? what if he does it me...
i've made up my mind. i won't be marrying him.. even if i'm having his baby.
i don't think i want to marry a guy i don't trust completely
i'm hoping that, when he comes back, he would change my mind. he would make me fall in love with him again the same way that i did before i found out about his mistakes
i'm hoping that he would prove himself to me, and that we could live together, and my baby doesn't have to grow up without a dad
i'm happy now. i'm pregnant. i'm gonna have a kid. whatever happens, i made him swear to take care of my baby even if we don't end up being together
still i'm praying
i'm praying that he would keep his word and not hurt me again
i don't think i want to be with him... yet
Sunday, November 18, 2007
emo days are over!
10:19 PM
i've been pissed off for the past two weeks
when something is bothering me, everyone will know about it.. i'm not the type who would keep my feelings for myself.
one of my friends did something i didn't like. i told that person about it, and then, whoa! no reaction. no apologies, no questions about whatever act that that person did, nothing. nada. none. but i would not hold a grudge against someone although it did took a few days for my mood to cool off. oh yeah, hate the act, not the person.
i was also saddened about the idea that i would be leaving HK soon. HK has been my second home for more then seven months. i hate to leave. i hate saying goodbye to new found friends. i'm not looking forward to going back to that boring job in manila. my work was more challenging (not to mention toxic) here in HK.
the month end closing also meant going home at 11, 12, or 1 am everyday. that made my mood even more sour. i don't mind going home at that time, but as i've been feeling terrible for the past two weeks, i'll be bound to shout at the next person who will bother me. another push would trigger it.
but as i've said, EMO DAYS ARE OVER!
i've made new friends, gone partying, had a great time, proven that i'm still irresistible (haha), did not feel terrible the next day. good times.
my HK boss, ella, asked if i wanted to stay. of course i said yes. i didn't think about the offer, i'm thinking about the experience i would gain if i stayed. it would be easier to look for a new job elsewhere, knowing that my market value has increased. i'm just praying that my Manila boss would let me go. she better offer me a mighty increase to make me stay, or i'll leave the bank if she doesn't. yup, yup, still good times.
i have a reason to stay up late at night, chatting with that special someone who also makes me feel special. yup, just hearing him say how much he loves me and cares for me would relieve me of all the fatigue and headache after working 14 hours a day.
emo days are indeed over.
i just hope this would last for a while
updates, updates updates!!!
11:13 AM
ANIMO LA SALLE!
bah...
i still can't get over DLSU's win over UE. a 2-game sweep is better than a 14-game sweep, but only in the finals.
tut tut
pause muna... hinga hinga...
it's been a while since i've written anything on this page... 2 months. so gotta update first.
it's been a month and a half since i've left manila. i thought i'll be staying here in hk for only 1 month more, but no, they still need me. i must be that good haha kidding
Things I Miss the Most in Manila:
(1) family, of course
miss ko na mama ko! haha... that's my line whenever things get a little tough here in hk. i call my mom but not everyday. dont have the time to do so anymore. when i'm in manila, i usually accompany her to go her bowling games. magbobowling sya, ako magshopping or watch a movie. i don't watch her play most of the time, i'll get sleepy
mami!
kamusta na kaya ang kwarto ko ngayon? miss ko na rin si totong (my younger bro josh). tong name nya sa house, my mom gave him that name. he's probably messing up my room now. he's sleeping in my room while i'm away. yep, the last i went home, there are a bunch of toy soldiers under my bed as well as a xylophone he's playing for music class. ang super kulit ng batang un! joshua texted me once, just to say that "Panalo kami (meaning San Beda - he's in 5th grade at San Beda Alabang), kayo talo (meaning DLSU, when we lost to Ateneo for the 3rd time)". but whenever i call home and i get to speak to him, he would ask when i would come home.. awww shucks... even younger bros can be sweet sometimes haha
jenny sister/shopping buddy. pag-uwi ko ng pinas pupunta kami ng divisoria to go christmas shopping. the question is, may pera pa kaya ang batang un? my sister graduated from DLSU last oct 6, she took up finance. she's a bum now after having a terrible experience in her internship with RCBC, she doesn't want to conquer the corporate world - not yet.
pachi! of course, my dad. we call him pachi. i gotta make sure that i was home on his 50th, dec 6. he wanted me to work abroad, but um, gotta think bout it first.
hehe macho pose daw kunwari
(2) DKS!
so a little background. DKS stands for Deutsche Knowledge Services, a subsidiary of Deutsche Bank. we're like a bpo, but only for DB. the weird thing is, we also hire the services of other bpos for more complicated projects. DB's ultimate goal would be to smartsource controlling jobs to DKS, or other smarsourcing locations like the one in Bangalore (or is it Mumbai? i forgot) so the branches would spend more time in operations.
i miss my teammates! they're the coolest people ever! i've only been with DKS for almost a year and a half, but i have made a lot of memories with them to last a lifetime! yun nga lang, i also missed a lot while im here in HK - e.g. ISIS teambuilding, harry potter event at the imax, DKS summer sportsfest, DKS bowling and billiards, lots of lunch outs, inuman sessions, out-of-towns, etc. boo and bullfrogs. hanggang tingin na lang ako sa multiply nila.
anyway, they said that when i come home we'll be going to enchanted kingdom naman. walang sinabi ang EK sa ocean park, but it's the company i'm mostly looking forward to.
pag-uwi ko pala, there will be less people in the office. wala na si "pinsan" myro, "kuya" rod, "papa milts", and jen sibal "siba/sibs". they were from the original recs team i got used to. see you around guys! oops, mali pala. i won't be able to "see them around", coz they're going to singapore! except for jen, who's gonna do a career turnaround and go for a marketing job in nestle.
inuman sessions! happy beerday to me, pao, jezer, and miles. sagot namin ang inuman that night
(3) College Friends!
sadness. the day i arrived in manila was also the day my college friend jigs migrated to canada with his family. di man lang kami nagkita.
we call ourselves JMECK - jigs, marian, elmer, chesca, and kat-kat. i still have that studio pic of us back in 3rd yr college (when we were preparing for the yearbook). they went out for dinner just before jigs went to canada, and im here in hk. sadness tlga kaasar
another college blockmate also left for china naman. she's getting married there. she's pure chinese but she's marrying a taiwanese naman. at least i saw her in glorietta the weekend i was home in august. pero di na ko nakasama sa despedida nya. congrats "ate" wen!
i also saw dianne and menen sa jollibee nung umuwi ako. ang sexy ko daw! haha kasi naman the last time they saw me was last year pa. heavyweight pa ko nun (as if naman ngayon di na)
haya
tinatamad ako magsulat pa
i'll continue this one next time
lunch sa lan kwai fong
9:24 PM
signal number 8 sa hk last friday. pero kahit bumabagyo, sa lan kwai fong pa rin kami naglunch. we were craving for pork knuckles (crispy pata) the whole week and friday was the only day we are free to eat lunch out. libre naman kami ni jayson - nakaactual sya, nakaper diem kami, di nya kelangan magtipid. thank you DKS na naman ang lunch.
sa schnurrbart na naman kami kumain, a german restaurant. may pinay na waitress dun so she took care of our orders. inorder namin ng german sausage si jayson. pero mas gusto nya ata ung sausage ng bartender, este, mas gusto nya na sana ung nag-asikaso samin ay ung bartender na gwapo.
syempre ang jayson, pa-cute sa bartender. kami naman e carry lang. sabi ko sa kanya utang na loob wag sya magpapicture sa bartender dahil gusto pa namin makakain dun ulit.may hiya rin pala sya hehe
group pic before the food came. putek ang itim ko ah...
kami ng girlfriend kong si jayson. maganda pa ata sya sa kin ah!
crispy pata!!! yummmyy
german sausages. si jayson unang nakatikim nung malaki. pero naiisip ko lang ung imbutido ni soytee (one of my kaberks in PHK), now don't ask me what the imbutido stands for - you might lose your appetite
sarap!!! solve na kami dun! pagbalik namin ng office uwian na hehe
july monthend, ritz carlton, mongkok
12:14 AM
what a week!
una, bumabagyo. nataon pang monthend peak namin sa controlling. sabay dating nito ni jayson at nagyayayang lumabas after work
wahhhh kapagod
and it wouldn't end tonight. meron pa bukas ulit
been working overtime since the month ended. syempre gawaan ng financial reports and all that jazz. busy rin kasi at the bank because of a new system which they are implementing and planning to roll out before the year ends.
wawa naman ung nanay ella ko, ung supervisor ko dito. she still can't walk. her foot has been bothering for the past month. dati numb lang sya, kaya pa nya ilakad. but now, swollen na daw. nag work from home sya yesterday and today, but i think she'll be on leave tomorrow.
syempre, i can't do all the work on my own, so tawag ako ng tawag sa kanya. nagkakataon lagi may call waiting tapos un pala si kaori (another girl we work with. tatlo kami sa team nya, 2 local saka ako. anyway, i think overworked si ella. before naman nagnumb ung right hand nya, kakagamit cguro ng mouse? sabi daw ng doctor nya baka mahina na ung immune system nya. stress? dyoskopong pineapple! ayoko matulad sa kanya.
lagi ako pinapatawag ni ella sa isang indian na nasa singapore. medyo nahihirapan lang ako intindihin sya. di ko naman makulit din ng todo eh kasi asst vice pres na un eh! pareho sila ni ella. tapos kahapon naman tumawag ako sa taga-london. kasi ilang araw ko na hinihintay ung file nya at nagfollow up na rin ako. pero weird. brit na ung kausap ko nahirapan pa ko intindihin. feeling ko ibang language sinasabi nya. pero wala naman sya masyadong accent. cguro inaantok lang ako nun. 9 pm na kasi un kagabi.
sarap sipain nung brit na un. feeling ko nakalimutan lang nya i-send out ung file. sabi ko, "have you sent out the accrual schedule?" sagot nya, "no" sabay tawa. may ganon? e di tinanong ko kung kelan nya balak isend. sagot ba naman, "i could send it to you now if you like." isip isip ko, tatanungin ko ba kung di ko pa sya kelangan? sabi ko na lang, "pls". at ang reply, "ok, cool". in fairness, cute ang boses kahit medyo di ko maintindihan. papahanap ko nga sya sa teammate ko na nasa london.
yesterday, natulog ako sa ritz carlton sa central. naghahanap kasi ng kasama itong si jayson. i think he's feeling homesick already. he would only be staying for a week. now, before your imagination starts working, i would have to clarify that jayson is gay. as in mas magaling pa sya mag-spot ng gwapo kesa sakin. honestly. may mga the moves pa na kunwari accidentally bumping into a cute guy pero sadya naman. and ung mga pasimpleng pagtingin tingin sa mga gwapong chinese. hmm.... i could learn a thing or two from this guy hehe. anyway we just ate chips and watched tv. and smoked hehe
kanina naman i got off early. so we went to mongkok. we had dinner sa langham place. there's this place called pepper lunch (? not sure). they serve their food raw on these sizzling plates that they said are patented in japan. asteeeeg! you get to cook your steak on the plates. but you have to hurry. kasi in a few minutes mawawala na ung sizzle ng pan so your food might end up cooked on one side but raw on the other. the price is a bit steep, $78 for a meal, but i have never enjoyed a fast food meal that much before!
nakabili na ko ng mga malalaking pamaypay para sa nanay ko. trenta lahat. bebenta nya sa mga kalaro nya sa bowling. naiinggit kasi ung mga amiga nya nung dinalhan sya ni papa dati ng pamaypay from one of his business trips here in hk. now that i'm here, sakin sya nagpapabili. sarap lang makipagtawaran haha. ung isang stall binebenta sakin ng $45 each. sabi ko sa kabila $20 lang. ayaw pa rin. taray nga eh. sa ibang stall ako bumili. $500 for 30 fans, mga $17 lang isa haha
bukas naman plano ni jayson na di na matulog. 8 am on sat kasi flight nya. so maaga sya kelangan magising. eh di wala na lang tulugan. gigimik na lng kami
may EB rin ata ang PHK on sat. basta sat nyt pwede ako. nakatulog na naman ako nun hehe
ano pa ba? la na ko masabi. antok na rin ako eh. byeeeee!
suicidal? i hope not
10:03 PM
I have been depressed on and off for the past two years.
Two years ago I got into the worst relationship of my life. Of course, I’ve had my puppy love, suitors, but the first real relationship I had was something I regretted having. I didn’t get anything out of that. I just lost a lot.
I lost my self-respect. I lost my family’s confidence in me. I also lost my sister’s respect. We might be acting as if nothing has happened but I know, that something was missing, I just can’t put my finger on it.
Then I got sent off on an assignment abroad. I started anew. I made lots of friends, went out a lot, played around once – I have been thinking that no guy will enter into a serious relationship with me once they knew of my past. I have been happy getting away from my family for a while. Nothing beats being with the family, but I got a taste of independence while abroad.
Living alone abroad was something I really enjoyed. I got away from the annoying stares and questions of the people who knew of what I’ve been through and what I’ve done to my family. I got away from that gold-digger of a guy who just made me happy the first few months, then made me live through hell once he started getting what he wants – money and sex.
For nine months, I also enjoyed what I’m doing. I practically enjoyed the late nights, the persistent calls, and those snotty colleagues – all because I like what I do. It’s nice to be doing something important, and people treating me like I’m really worth something. My boss even offered me a job.
Then I met my guy. He made my nights alone abroad really bearable. We would talk until the wee hours in the morning, he would call and text even long distance. It’s the first time I’m really happy with a guy.
I knew good things won’t last. I should have known I would hit the dust again sometime.
I didn’t get the job abroad because the bosses locally are against it. I mean, really, it would defeat the purpose of the company, which is to save costs so we’ll do the jobs here instead of abroad. I got really depressed because of that. I really wanted that job abroad. I wouldn’t get an offer if my foreign bosses don’t believe in what I can do. I knew I can do a lot more, but I guess I wasn’t really meant to.
I wasn’t meant to stay abroad because I was meant to get pregnant. Yes, Marian, the perfectionist, nerd extraordinaire, school-home girl, the overweight girl with thick glasses overly serious about studying that she didn’t get a boyfriend in college, was now pregnant. Everyone was surprised I ran off with the good-for-nothing bastard after college, but now they are even more surprised that I got myself pregnant, knowing that there is no turning back from this moment on.
I chose to be pregnant. I loved my guy more than anyone else in the world. As I have said, the two months I spent with him are the best two months of my life – ever! So why on earth am I feeling depressed now?
It must be the pre-natal depression. If there’s post partum depression, there should be pre-natal depression. Or maybe what I’m having is just normal maternity blues, or “paglilihi”. Whatever it is, I’m depressed again.
My guy left me to work abroad. Two weeks after, we found out I’m pregnant. I should have been ecstatic. Well, I’m happy, but not quite.
Two weeks after finding out I’m pregnant, I found those disturbing emails he sent to his former lover. The girl he just can’t forget. The girl he wanted to date even while he’s dating me AND trying to get me pregnant.
Then last week I tried asking him about his ex. He spoke about her as if he was still really fond of her – he couldn’t help but chuckle while talking about how she was taller than him, how they were having sex in the girl’s boarding house, yeah I think his ex was a really good catch. Then I tried to see his past emails, and found emails dating 2006 to his friend calling her “asawa” and telling her he loves her. Something he also he didn’t tell me. That was in the past, so it’s ok.
I can’t help but think that somehow he might still be thinking about his ex, because of all the memories he had with her. They were together for maybe two or three years (he told me he lost his innocence at 18) and they broke up when he was in Saudi. Hey, he told me they were only together for a year and a half. That guy never really gets his stories straight.
Now I’m pregnant, with no guy taking care of me. I get really depressed when I show up at the doctor’s office alone, without a guy with me, when all the other pregnant ladies have their husbands with them. I just call my guy to tell him that I’m at the doctor just so I won’t feel sorry for myself.
Whenever I need something now, my mom was the one who buys them for me. Sometimes my friends would get me the food that I’m craving.
I keep on thinking of my guy looking for someone else. I still don’t understand why he has to tell those things to his former lover when he kept on assuring me he don’t mean them. I just won’t buy that excuse.
My guy could be doing something, or not, but I still don’t trust him completely. Not after those emails. Not after he got pregnant and he won’t go home, and I still can’t have him back.
My life is spiraling downward. I can’t resign from work and look for new pastures. I can’t do what I want. I can’t go back to school and study again. Not in the near future. Not with the way things are going right now. I don’t know what I wanted to do now. What does my future hold for me now? I’m lost.
This evening I snapped. I yelled at my sister, then when she told me off for getting angry I swore at her – something I have always avoided to do. My sister stopped respecting me, calling me “ate” in such a sarcastic way, ever since I ran off with that guy, and now I’m pregnant.
I’m sorry, but there are times when I actually regretted being pregnant. I don’t want to marry my guy yet, so I don’t know how I can raise my kid myself, when I trapped.
I’m such a spiteful individual. Galit ako sa mundo. There, I’ve said it. I might be depressed, I might be bringing this on to myself, I might be thinking too much. But I’m praying that these thoughts of mine, wouldn’t lead me to take my own life.
Suicidal.
i'm getting married! .... not
8:54 PM
hell no
i ain't gettin married
not yet anyway
yesterday my future in laws came to our house to meet my parents. they were suggesting that we get married even though we're miles away from each other!!!
no no no no no no!
i'm too polite to say that i don't like the idea. but i really don't. even though i do love biboy, i don't want to get married just for the sake of the baby, the benefits we're gonna get if we're married, etc. to people who don't know the kind of relationship biboy and i have, they would think that this is another classic case of "pikot".
ever since i was a little girl, i have been dreaming about my future wedding. i remember watching movies and tv specials of weddings and thinking about my own. of course, i would prefer a simple and intimate affair - with close family and friends, and with the man i love.
i have found the perfect man, but the question now is, do i really wanna get married?
everyone, esp his side of the family, is expecting a church wedding. his relatives are saying that even if we have a civil wedding at first, i deserve a church wedding afterwards. god knows i wanted one!
i have been thinking about this since last night. i had to admit i got excited. i was thinking that for once, i'm gonna be the star, i'm gonna be pampered. i actually missed out on a 7th bday party, a debut, but now i'm gonna get married! in church!
then i started surfing for how much a decent wedding costs. 150K is a good enough budget. well, if i'm the groom i can afford this. i can even throw in a 2nd honeymoon (well we're gonna have a baby)! my mom doesn't want the family to carry the cost of a wedding so she's not even suggesting a church wedding. it's his family who did.
now i'm torn. i know he won't be able to afford the wedding of my dreams. i'm being materialistic, but i'd rather not get married at all.
i'm sorry biboy. it would really seem like i'm asking too much. i would only get married once, so if ever i tried getting married, then i would want it to be perfect
daydream mode... my dream wedding (time to feel sorry for myself, no one reads this blog anyway haha, lucky me!)
i would like to wear a white dress, put on make up, have my hair curled or whatever, the works man. i mean, for a not-so-pretty girl like me, my wedding would be the last time i could have my hair and make up done and look beautiful. i mean, look at my prom and grad pics! simon cowell would cringe and say that i got dressed in the dark
i would like my sister as my maid of honor. oh, and my gay cousin herson could be one too! at his request
i would finally get my mom to wear a gown... something i haven't seen her do in all my 22 years on earth. the mothers of the bride and groom to be should wear matching outfits
biboy would be looking so handsome in a barong... or a tux... i'd prefer a barong. he'd look better in a barong.
my entourage could wear whatever they wanna wear. it would be less expensive for me, plus, if they buy their own outfits they can choose whatever style they want so they can wear it elsewhere. honestly now, my friends are excited to dress up for my wedding. sorry to disappoint you guys, but this church wedding would only happen in my dreams
my baby would wear a beautiful gown, or a nice barong. she could be our flower girl or he could be the ring bearer. if ever i'm getting married, i'd time it so he/she could already walk down the aisle by his/herself. at almost 2 yrs old, perhaps?
no need to hire a professional photographer now. i could ask kuya (chris, my teammate) to take our pics. he took the pics of another teammate's wedding. but i would like to have nice pre-nups done of biboy and i
the cake! haven't thought about it though. i don't like a towering cake. a simple wedding cake will do. no one likes to eat those anyway...
i know someone who can cater. my teammate's got a catering business, and so does my college classmate. maybe i can get a discount
if only jigs is in the phils, i would get him to sing at my wedding. it has been our joke during college that he would sing at my wedding. too bad he's in canada. he told us he'd be going home in 2 or 3 yrs for vacation though
wedding car... ours will do just fine
then after the wedding we'd get home with our baby. no need for a honeymoon. we're already past that phase
our wedding would be the most memorable day of my life
not gonna happen
god, why do i have to do this post just to feel sorry for myself
marian, the preggy drama queen
being pregnant with no man to take care of you could really make you think... a lot!
i love him, i miss him, but i don't think i want to be with him
4:56 PM
yup.. you're reading that right.
i love him.. .a lot
i miss him... a lot
but i don't think i want to be with him
even if we're going to have a child together
meeting my daddy biboy is the best thing that happened to me. the two months i spent with him are the best two months of my life. i felt that he feels the same way about me
but that was then
last week i saw him exchanging emails with the same girl he cheated his ex with. he told her how much he misses the girl, how he won't forget her, how much he wanted to date her had she emailed him while he was here in the phils. the emails were dated 23rd of April, 4 days after he left! so i don't think he's being homesick, no no
what hurts the most is during that time i remember him telling me how much he misses me, and he even cried once. so during that time, he was also reminiscing about the "stolen" times he spent with the girl, while he still had a girlfriend
so there were three emails. there's him asking about the girl's boyfriend, though. but at the end he asked her out, saying that should the girl have emailed him earlier, he could have dated her because of their "pinagsamahan". finish whatever they started, perhaps?
he didn't even tell the girl that he's got a girlfriend - me!
i know i shouldn't have been affected, because whatever relationship they had - which is also illicit - happened in the past, before he even met me. but i can't help it. not when i knew of all this after i found out i was pregnant. not really a good thing for a preggy girl to go through
what made it worse for me, was the girl wasn't even his ex-girlfriend! it was just someone introduced to him, they went out a few times, made out a few times as well - on his girlfriend's back! god knows, he might even have slept with her, although he won't admit it to me.
oh, and when asked, he said that his ex knew he was seeing the other girl, but forgave him. his ex didn't know he was also lip locking that other girl
i knew he had a few girlfriends - my guy was good looking. but he didn't tell me about this affair he had. all the time i've been honest to him - i've told him bout my ex, my flings, some other stuff i did - but he can't even be honest to me
of course i blew my top off when i found out. i forgave him - heck, those were just emails. he was claiming he doesn't mean what he said in those emails. he just said those... just because he wasn't thinking...
and he wants to impress her by telling her he misses her, wont forget her, and he's been looking for her everywhere
lame excuse
i still can't understand why he has to tell the girl that when he doesn't really mean it
all the time he was telling me he loves me, he was thinking of that other girl
men
my guy has been telling he loves me, and he won't hurt me again. he broke my trust. it was a small thing - just emails, throw in a few internet chats or so - but still he hurt me real bad. God knows i've been crying every night, thinking about how he can't be honest to me, when i've been nothing but honest to him
am i really a girl no guy would take seriously? after what i've been through, don't i deserve to be happy?
he has been telling me that he wants to marry me when he comes back. how could i be sure that he won't seek out that other girl and continue whatever affair they had? what if another person from his past came back to haunt him? what if he gets introduced to another girl and he falls into temptation - again?
i wish he won't do that to me
i know i might be being paranoid, but my guy has a history of cheating on a girlfriend. what's the difference between his ex and me? what if he does it me...
i've made up my mind. i won't be marrying him.. even if i'm having his baby.
i don't think i want to marry a guy i don't trust completely
i'm hoping that, when he comes back, he would change my mind. he would make me fall in love with him again the same way that i did before i found out about his mistakes
i'm hoping that he would prove himself to me, and that we could live together, and my baby doesn't have to grow up without a dad
i'm happy now. i'm pregnant. i'm gonna have a kid. whatever happens, i made him swear to take care of my baby even if we don't end up being together
still i'm praying
i'm praying that he would keep his word and not hurt me again
i don't think i want to be with him... yet
Sunday, November 18, 2007
emo days are over!
10:19 PM
i've been pissed off for the past two weeks
when something is bothering me, everyone will know about it.. i'm not the type who would keep my feelings for myself.
one of my friends did something i didn't like. i told that person about it, and then, whoa! no reaction. no apologies, no questions about whatever act that that person did, nothing. nada. none. but i would not hold a grudge against someone although it did took a few days for my mood to cool off. oh yeah, hate the act, not the person.
i was also saddened about the idea that i would be leaving HK soon. HK has been my second home for more then seven months. i hate to leave. i hate saying goodbye to new found friends. i'm not looking forward to going back to that boring job in manila. my work was more challenging (not to mention toxic) here in HK.
the month end closing also meant going home at 11, 12, or 1 am everyday. that made my mood even more sour. i don't mind going home at that time, but as i've been feeling terrible for the past two weeks, i'll be bound to shout at the next person who will bother me. another push would trigger it.
but as i've said, EMO DAYS ARE OVER!
i've made new friends, gone partying, had a great time, proven that i'm still irresistible (haha), did not feel terrible the next day. good times.
my HK boss, ella, asked if i wanted to stay. of course i said yes. i didn't think about the offer, i'm thinking about the experience i would gain if i stayed. it would be easier to look for a new job elsewhere, knowing that my market value has increased. i'm just praying that my Manila boss would let me go. she better offer me a mighty increase to make me stay, or i'll leave the bank if she doesn't. yup, yup, still good times.
i have a reason to stay up late at night, chatting with that special someone who also makes me feel special. yup, just hearing him say how much he loves me and cares for me would relieve me of all the fatigue and headache after working 14 hours a day.
emo days are indeed over.
i just hope this would last for a while
updates, updates updates!!!
11:13 AM
ANIMO LA SALLE!
bah...
i still can't get over DLSU's win over UE. a 2-game sweep is better than a 14-game sweep, but only in the finals.
tut tut
pause muna... hinga hinga...
it's been a while since i've written anything on this page... 2 months. so gotta update first.
it's been a month and a half since i've left manila. i thought i'll be staying here in hk for only 1 month more, but no, they still need me. i must be that good haha kidding
Things I Miss the Most in Manila:
(1) family, of course
miss ko na mama ko! haha... that's my line whenever things get a little tough here in hk. i call my mom but not everyday. dont have the time to do so anymore. when i'm in manila, i usually accompany her to go her bowling games. magbobowling sya, ako magshopping or watch a movie. i don't watch her play most of the time, i'll get sleepy
mami!
kamusta na kaya ang kwarto ko ngayon? miss ko na rin si totong (my younger bro josh). tong name nya sa house, my mom gave him that name. he's probably messing up my room now. he's sleeping in my room while i'm away. yep, the last i went home, there are a bunch of toy soldiers under my bed as well as a xylophone he's playing for music class. ang super kulit ng batang un! joshua texted me once, just to say that "Panalo kami (meaning San Beda - he's in 5th grade at San Beda Alabang), kayo talo (meaning DLSU, when we lost to Ateneo for the 3rd time)". but whenever i call home and i get to speak to him, he would ask when i would come home.. awww shucks... even younger bros can be sweet sometimes haha
jenny sister/shopping buddy. pag-uwi ko ng pinas pupunta kami ng divisoria to go christmas shopping. the question is, may pera pa kaya ang batang un? my sister graduated from DLSU last oct 6, she took up finance. she's a bum now after having a terrible experience in her internship with RCBC, she doesn't want to conquer the corporate world - not yet.
pachi! of course, my dad. we call him pachi. i gotta make sure that i was home on his 50th, dec 6. he wanted me to work abroad, but um, gotta think bout it first.
hehe macho pose daw kunwari
(2) DKS!
so a little background. DKS stands for Deutsche Knowledge Services, a subsidiary of Deutsche Bank. we're like a bpo, but only for DB. the weird thing is, we also hire the services of other bpos for more complicated projects. DB's ultimate goal would be to smartsource controlling jobs to DKS, or other smarsourcing locations like the one in Bangalore (or is it Mumbai? i forgot) so the branches would spend more time in operations.
i miss my teammates! they're the coolest people ever! i've only been with DKS for almost a year and a half, but i have made a lot of memories with them to last a lifetime! yun nga lang, i also missed a lot while im here in HK - e.g. ISIS teambuilding, harry potter event at the imax, DKS summer sportsfest, DKS bowling and billiards, lots of lunch outs, inuman sessions, out-of-towns, etc. boo and bullfrogs. hanggang tingin na lang ako sa multiply nila.
anyway, they said that when i come home we'll be going to enchanted kingdom naman. walang sinabi ang EK sa ocean park, but it's the company i'm mostly looking forward to.
pag-uwi ko pala, there will be less people in the office. wala na si "pinsan" myro, "kuya" rod, "papa milts", and jen sibal "siba/sibs". they were from the original recs team i got used to. see you around guys! oops, mali pala. i won't be able to "see them around", coz they're going to singapore! except for jen, who's gonna do a career turnaround and go for a marketing job in nestle.
inuman sessions! happy beerday to me, pao, jezer, and miles. sagot namin ang inuman that night
(3) College Friends!
sadness. the day i arrived in manila was also the day my college friend jigs migrated to canada with his family. di man lang kami nagkita.
we call ourselves JMECK - jigs, marian, elmer, chesca, and kat-kat. i still have that studio pic of us back in 3rd yr college (when we were preparing for the yearbook). they went out for dinner just before jigs went to canada, and im here in hk. sadness tlga kaasar
another college blockmate also left for china naman. she's getting married there. she's pure chinese but she's marrying a taiwanese naman. at least i saw her in glorietta the weekend i was home in august. pero di na ko nakasama sa despedida nya. congrats "ate" wen!
i also saw dianne and menen sa jollibee nung umuwi ako. ang sexy ko daw! haha kasi naman the last time they saw me was last year pa. heavyweight pa ko nun (as if naman ngayon di na)
haya
tinatamad ako magsulat pa
i'll continue this one next time
lunch sa lan kwai fong
9:24 PM
signal number 8 sa hk last friday. pero kahit bumabagyo, sa lan kwai fong pa rin kami naglunch. we were craving for pork knuckles (crispy pata) the whole week and friday was the only day we are free to eat lunch out. libre naman kami ni jayson - nakaactual sya, nakaper diem kami, di nya kelangan magtipid. thank you DKS na naman ang lunch.
sa schnurrbart na naman kami kumain, a german restaurant. may pinay na waitress dun so she took care of our orders. inorder namin ng german sausage si jayson. pero mas gusto nya ata ung sausage ng bartender, este, mas gusto nya na sana ung nag-asikaso samin ay ung bartender na gwapo.
syempre ang jayson, pa-cute sa bartender. kami naman e carry lang. sabi ko sa kanya utang na loob wag sya magpapicture sa bartender dahil gusto pa namin makakain dun ulit.may hiya rin pala sya hehe
group pic before the food came. putek ang itim ko ah...
kami ng girlfriend kong si jayson. maganda pa ata sya sa kin ah!
crispy pata!!! yummmyy
german sausages. si jayson unang nakatikim nung malaki. pero naiisip ko lang ung imbutido ni soytee (one of my kaberks in PHK), now don't ask me what the imbutido stands for - you might lose your appetite
sarap!!! solve na kami dun! pagbalik namin ng office uwian na hehe
july monthend, ritz carlton, mongkok
12:14 AM
what a week!
una, bumabagyo. nataon pang monthend peak namin sa controlling. sabay dating nito ni jayson at nagyayayang lumabas after work
wahhhh kapagod
and it wouldn't end tonight. meron pa bukas ulit
been working overtime since the month ended. syempre gawaan ng financial reports and all that jazz. busy rin kasi at the bank because of a new system which they are implementing and planning to roll out before the year ends.
wawa naman ung nanay ella ko, ung supervisor ko dito. she still can't walk. her foot has been bothering for the past month. dati numb lang sya, kaya pa nya ilakad. but now, swollen na daw. nag work from home sya yesterday and today, but i think she'll be on leave tomorrow.
syempre, i can't do all the work on my own, so tawag ako ng tawag sa kanya. nagkakataon lagi may call waiting tapos un pala si kaori (another girl we work with. tatlo kami sa team nya, 2 local saka ako. anyway, i think overworked si ella. before naman nagnumb ung right hand nya, kakagamit cguro ng mouse? sabi daw ng doctor nya baka mahina na ung immune system nya. stress? dyoskopong pineapple! ayoko matulad sa kanya.
lagi ako pinapatawag ni ella sa isang indian na nasa singapore. medyo nahihirapan lang ako intindihin sya. di ko naman makulit din ng todo eh kasi asst vice pres na un eh! pareho sila ni ella. tapos kahapon naman tumawag ako sa taga-london. kasi ilang araw ko na hinihintay ung file nya at nagfollow up na rin ako. pero weird. brit na ung kausap ko nahirapan pa ko intindihin. feeling ko ibang language sinasabi nya. pero wala naman sya masyadong accent. cguro inaantok lang ako nun. 9 pm na kasi un kagabi.
sarap sipain nung brit na un. feeling ko nakalimutan lang nya i-send out ung file. sabi ko, "have you sent out the accrual schedule?" sagot nya, "no" sabay tawa. may ganon? e di tinanong ko kung kelan nya balak isend. sagot ba naman, "i could send it to you now if you like." isip isip ko, tatanungin ko ba kung di ko pa sya kelangan? sabi ko na lang, "pls". at ang reply, "ok, cool". in fairness, cute ang boses kahit medyo di ko maintindihan. papahanap ko nga sya sa teammate ko na nasa london.
yesterday, natulog ako sa ritz carlton sa central. naghahanap kasi ng kasama itong si jayson. i think he's feeling homesick already. he would only be staying for a week. now, before your imagination starts working, i would have to clarify that jayson is gay. as in mas magaling pa sya mag-spot ng gwapo kesa sakin. honestly. may mga the moves pa na kunwari accidentally bumping into a cute guy pero sadya naman. and ung mga pasimpleng pagtingin tingin sa mga gwapong chinese. hmm.... i could learn a thing or two from this guy hehe. anyway we just ate chips and watched tv. and smoked hehe
kanina naman i got off early. so we went to mongkok. we had dinner sa langham place. there's this place called pepper lunch (? not sure). they serve their food raw on these sizzling plates that they said are patented in japan. asteeeeg! you get to cook your steak on the plates. but you have to hurry. kasi in a few minutes mawawala na ung sizzle ng pan so your food might end up cooked on one side but raw on the other. the price is a bit steep, $78 for a meal, but i have never enjoyed a fast food meal that much before!
nakabili na ko ng mga malalaking pamaypay para sa nanay ko. trenta lahat. bebenta nya sa mga kalaro nya sa bowling. naiinggit kasi ung mga amiga nya nung dinalhan sya ni papa dati ng pamaypay from one of his business trips here in hk. now that i'm here, sakin sya nagpapabili. sarap lang makipagtawaran haha. ung isang stall binebenta sakin ng $45 each. sabi ko sa kabila $20 lang. ayaw pa rin. taray nga eh. sa ibang stall ako bumili. $500 for 30 fans, mga $17 lang isa haha
bukas naman plano ni jayson na di na matulog. 8 am on sat kasi flight nya. so maaga sya kelangan magising. eh di wala na lang tulugan. gigimik na lng kami
may EB rin ata ang PHK on sat. basta sat nyt pwede ako. nakatulog na naman ako nun hehe
ano pa ba? la na ko masabi. antok na rin ako eh. byeeeee!
